This is Now

It was a month, on Sunday. A month since I've seen your face, touched your skin, felt your breath, heard your voice. A month since my life has turned upside down.

The pain is just as real today.

I ache for what we had,

where we could have gone,

what we could have been... together.

It seems you have moved on and I guess I must do the same. But it's hard...to let go of something so beautiful, someone so pure. I miss your child-like laughs when faced with new experiences. I miss your gaze, your mind, your art. I miss your heart.

And I'm not ready to continue this life without you. The future looms in storm clouds, darkening as it approaches. Once upon a time I would have shut myself off and cursed you. Once upon a time I would have seen only black and white. But now, it's just gray. Everything is gray.

I have been torturing myself with hopes of communication. Checking my email, my phone, the mailbox, the door, listening for footsteps in the hallway...Everytime the bell rings my heart skips a beat. Is it you? Have you come to mend our rift? No, it is only the women from the church, seeking new recruits. I can't bring myself to open the door and politely turn them away in my broken Korean. So I turn away and curse myself for my silly hopes. I have laid down my heart and it lays, still, on the ground, gathering dust.

What could have brought you back? I wonder. What could I have done to fix this? I've looked at it from all sides, every angle and as the tears well up in my eyes I can't think. I walk around in this world and try to find grace in the buds opening on spring trees. I inhale the warmth that has arrived, but I am cold inside. I shake like the leaves in Fall. I can't seem to still the motion.

Couldn't we just accept our shortcomings and compromise? Is it really only black and white? Have we been reduced to that?

Four years of rock bottom...
Heart empty
Energy depleted
Hopes on hold

And then a dream
A beautiful world where
I could be real and soft

Giving up pride
Accepting weakness
Adopting hope from another place
Holding it to myself

You did this
Gave me three months of
Possibilities
Courage
Strength and
Best of all Hope.

Now that I am awake
I see..
It was a dream.

Those storm clouds
Held at bay
Return

I am caught: a fishing boat in a roiling ocean
Waiting for capsize

Oh, but what a dream
What a beautiful dream

Thank you for those
Short months.

I wish...
I could have dreamt forever.

Pagan Poetry- Bjork