Atlas folds

January 6, 2015

Let things happen, he says.

Three simple words and yet they carry the weight of the world.

This is no ordinary ask.

My mind whirls around, a dervish
Grasping at those words;
Ingest them.

They are too big.

Obstacles larger than David's lie before me.

Atlas cannot lift the stone sitting upon my chest.
He is not free to love me.

Not fully and yet that is all I seek.

It seems I search for an unknowable truth,
One that I can but discover within myself.

I can only truly be my biggest priority.
No other can fill that void.

Let things happen, he says.
Relinquish control.

Trust in the unknown.
Risk everything.

Shackles

January 6, 2015

He is shackled by norms,
Yet believes all is sound.

He tells me he can make no promises
And those words sit heavily upon my hear.

Am I to be another statistic?
Waiting for an end that will never come?

I search for truth in his words,
A sign that all will work itself out.

How have I managed to put myself in yer another impossibility?

Will this be my end or will light finally shine down upon me,
Rewarding me for years of trial and error?

My cynical brain interferes while my heart races with dread.
Will this be the end of me?

Love is...a continuation

Music by Radiohead (Street Spirit)

A Thirty-Something Life: Street Walker?

View of the street from my apartment

A few days before Christmas one of my friends offered to come pick me up for a trip to the SAQ. He told me he'd be at my place in ten minutes. I went downstairs and waited for him on the sidewalk. It was about 8pm, and the temperature was below freezing, so I was pacing back and forth in my leather jacket, jeans and purse. 

About five minutes later, a minivan pulled up. I turned around at the sound of the car and started walking toward it, thinking it was my friend who was maybe driving his father's car. 

When I got to about a meter and a half away from the car, I leaned forward to see who the driver was. It was a man in his 50s, approximately 250 pounds, with a beard. He had swarthy skin and looked to be from Eastern Europe or perhaps the Middle East. He waved and I straightened up. "Of course he'd wave", I thought, "I was peering into his car." I continued to pace, getting increasingly cold in the night-time air. 

The car was still idling at the side of the street a minute later. 

I thought, "He must be waiting for someone. Maybe from one of the other apartment buildings." 

Another minute passed by and the man finally pulled away, passenger-less. And then it hit me.

"Wait."

"Wait a minute! Did HE think I was on the job?!!!! "

OH MY GOD! 

Now, I know that I live in the ghetto, but....really?!!!! Have I now been relegated to street walker status?

And then I remembered the woman who used to live below me. Apparently several different men had been seen entering and leaving her apartment. But I had had no proof of this and promptly forgot about it. 

Until that night.

So yes, ladies and gentlemen. I have now graduated to a new title, according to middle-aged men driving along St. Jacques at night. 

I sometimes surprise myself with my naivete. 

Life is never boring, is it? :)

A Thirty-Something Life: Acts of Kindness

Context: I live in the ghetto. Straight up. Even my neighbors scream it at the top of their lungs as they break down the entrance door, or my neighbor's door. You see, I live in a complex of buildings that houses, for the most part, government subsidized people. People who have been in trouble with the law. Drug addicts and alcoholics. Violent offenders that go in and out of jail. Unstable people, overall. And most of them don't work. 

In some ways, I may actually fit right in. I am currently unemployed and have been so for what feels like forever. I scrounge to find a couple of bucks here and there to buy cigarettes and a bottle of wine. Regardless...it's not really the right environment for healthy growth. On the few times I get food delivered, the delivery men say they hate coming to these buildings. I think that says it all. There is certainly never a dull moment in my building!


And this is why, in this microcosm of darkness and despair, it is always such a welcome to get an ember of light coming through.

1. Earlier this week, as I checked my mailbox, I received this little flyer wishing me a Merry Christmas. From the mailman. If there were ever a place not to wish someone happiness because of all the drama that occurs, it would be here. And yet, he did it. I've never met him (or her) and may never do so, but I think it speaks volumes for the quality of person to reach out and do something so little which can mean so much. My many thanks, Mr.Mailman, for your gift to me.


2. Tonight, I went to the depanneur and wanted to buy myself (guess?) a bottle of wine and a pack of cigarettes to celebrate the holiday season in my humble abode. There is a sign that clearly states that no credit is given to customers. I have been going there for nearly a year now (it's crazy how time flies). I have never asked for a thing from them, buying what I could with the money I had.

I had $20 left in my account. I approached the counter with my bottle and the owner, a middle-aged Sri Lankan (who owns the place with his wife), immediately had a pack of my preferred cigarettes waiting for me at the counter. It was the first time I hadn't had to ask him for what I wanted. It was quite a nice surprise.

I never thought he remembered my brand or cared, really. I told him I only had 20 dollars and that I couldn't afford the 25 pack. He checked the two items in. It came to 22.42. I was short. I told him I would try the 20 pack.

He asked me, "Is the 20 pack enough for you?"

"No," I said, "but I don't have the money for the 25 pack."

"Take it. You will pay me back when you have the money."

I tell you, there are tiny little moments in life, even as small as a 2 dollar loan from a corner store owner or a note from the mailman, when your faith in humanity is restored just a little bit.

Never forget those small acts of kindness in your life. They make this sometimes difficult life that much easier to bear.

And on that note, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Dismissals

It takes so many forms.


Friends

Roles unbound

Firms

Cursorily discarding a life's work

Fellows'

Fickle affections.


Pick up the pieces

There are too many.


Those glittering shards

Broken dreams

Carpet the floor.


A dangerous game

Treading across that expanse.


Which piece will stab you

Raising memories buried

Zombies awaken

Images of who you were

And still are.


A battle

Finding sleep.

A vicious war

Rising up from the sheets

Daylight seeping away.


Flashes

Unrelenting

Beating

Beating

Beating

You down.


Doesn't get any easier

Just clearer.


You don't belong here

Home but a nebulous concept.


If I could just switch it off

I could rest

A virgin mind

With virgin dreams.

A Thirty-Something Life: Fight!

Got into a fight with an STM manager tonight (Jan. 2011).

What did I get out of it?

1. A flood of frustrated tears (though I made sure not to show HIM that)

2. The JOY of being called a liar

3. The realization that it was much more a waste of time for me than for him. He had to be there.

p.s. I refuse to become one of those cynics that figure there's no point in standing up for what is right even though you almost never get what you want.